I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I need water and some morals
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
