Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
