all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
