I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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