Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
