I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
