sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
