Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
