my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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