I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
