woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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