wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
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no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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