im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
