I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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