youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
