It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
