Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just invented taco cereal.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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