Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
