I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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