Are we in a gay sports bar?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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