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a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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