im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
