Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
