how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
sex in a hospital.. check
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
