I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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