Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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