we have pet lesbian snakes
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Pooping to opera.
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