i dont even know how to be here
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
