i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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