1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
