There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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