so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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