so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
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Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
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Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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