im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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