you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i already hear my dad disowning me
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
