He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
