I think I just saw someone hide a body.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
