worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
