A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
