What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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