I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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