____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
