i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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