I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
