I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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