And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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