Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
