i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
