Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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