he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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