i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
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I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
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At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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