It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
