I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
