woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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