3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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