All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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