Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We talked him into tasing himself.
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If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
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Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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