Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
